Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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