I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
