I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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