My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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