Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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