***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
