And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
