I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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