I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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