I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
