and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
