i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
