K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
