May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
