you traded sex for a burrito?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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