Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
