fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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