i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
