Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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