def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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