Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
