yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
