I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
