Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
