Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
3pm strippers are depressing
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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