Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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