dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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