I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
