So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
