Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
COCAINE IS GR8
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