I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
