he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
