i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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