that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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