Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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