I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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