yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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