Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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