Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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