I am in a vortex of obligation.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
