this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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