4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
