There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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