Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
