either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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