I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
