His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
