I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
