cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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