When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
